The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
