you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
