dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
