Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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