I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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