it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
