Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
