How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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