I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
