I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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