Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
