It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
