All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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