1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
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he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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