She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
