I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
