I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I deserve this hangover.
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