you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
