i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
