Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
