Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
