Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
