Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
