I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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