it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
