Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
