I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
