you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
