I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Of course I have a pirate flag
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
