I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
