the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
