I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
