i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
