So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
