I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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