my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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