I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
MIDGETS
????
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize