my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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