Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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