I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
