I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
