She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
