my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
