Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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