This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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