I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
