Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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