i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
