I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
