is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
