wrigley field is MILF paradise
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize