she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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