please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm getting married
To pizza
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
