come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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