should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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