Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
