I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
