I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There r osticjed everywhere
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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