I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
